ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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