I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
