Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
