Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
