There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
