I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
