I hate your face
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
