I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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