I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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