Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
