bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
