tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
