Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
