the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
