What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
