Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
