My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
