i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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