I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
