so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
