Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
