please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
