i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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