I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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