My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
