Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
