My sheets look like a crime scene.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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