Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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