What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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