I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
