id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
