So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
