Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
