I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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