i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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