just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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