dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
