Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
