If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
