Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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