Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
