my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
