My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
