Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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