Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I got her a Nickelback box set.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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