Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
