At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
