In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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