Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
