We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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