i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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