I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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